Despite my best efforts, I’ve had a tendency to document all my relational endeavors over the last two years. I’ve documented them to exhaustion in a way where I don’t know whether it has helped, or if it has harmed. Oddly enough, the only one I haven’t documented thoroughly is Jen. Maybe it’s out of frustration, maybe it’s out of self loathing. I really don’t know. It seems that every time I sit down to talk about her my mind becomes blank and refuses to operate. I end up spending those moments talking about some current lust.

There was a moment in January where I couldn’t think about anything but what happened between her and Zack. It was all I could do going into 2010 and thinking about my least favorite moment of the decade. Rather than dwell on such a monumentally horrible moment I decided to compile a list of things I loved most about 2009. It made me feel better but it still hasn’t changed what I have viewed as betrayal. Even to this day, I still don’t know what to do about it. Zack has no recollection that he tried to kiss her, and I can’t shake the moment where she asked to hang out with him. Jen always said that you would have to say ten nice things to make up for one bad one. Even the tears that fell the next morning as she told me not to leave couldn’t make me feel better about it.

During a rare and vulnerable moment with one of my best friends I said we were, “cosmically screwed” for not being in love with each other. Maybe it’s not so much us, but more just me. I’ve gone on record before saying that I don’t think I’ll ever love someone like I loved Jen. Not a single experience in the past two years has made me think to rescind that statement. Really, that’s what this blog was originally about, to get over the love of my life. To move past the hardest decision of leaving her because I believed we both deserved more peace than we could offer each other. We still both deserve it, and I think she’s well on her way to becoming the person I knew she could be.

As for me, I still don’t know what I’m doing. One day leads to the next and I attempt to have goals but, more times than not, they seem like smoke and mirrors. Will I ever start a brewery? Will I ever finish my Android twitter client? Will I ever stop being in love with the idea of love? Will that light I have for Jen ever fade? Will I ever finish this album? It’s these questions that I will discover in life and not in the transparency of a clear plastic cup.

Was I in love with you? Yes. I was. Did I ever tell you? No. You’re Mormon, married, and have a kid now. Do I still think about how I couldn’t ever say those words to you? I guess I do.

We learn our life lessons and we attempt to apply them to new experiences. We string these lessons together and weave a world that cradles our inadequacies and cherishes our triumphs. Have we learned? Are we merely creating a safety net for when we fail? Maybe.

Where do you say that you are avoiding the past too much versus dwelling on how much it affects your future? A fine line indeed. Just let me avoid this a little while longer, my net isn’t quite complete yet.

Something tells me that ice cream, mountain dew, m&m’s, pretzels, fruit snacks, and a peanut butter granola bar is not going to cut it today.

It’s been hard to think about anything substantial lately. Somewhere I’ve lost my way in what was going to be a determined year for me. I touched on it a little bit a few weeks ago, but I’m discovering this flaw where I give too much of myself to people.

I’m here laying in bed with a complete lack of desire to see anyone. I think this is the cause and affect with my actions of late. Spending too much time with romance, family, and friends. Not spending enough time weighing my own goals. I walked into 2010 not wanting to date anyone, now I’m knee deep in some shit that I never really wanted to be a part of. I guess we can chalk this one up to a learning experience.

So, self, this is my letter to you. Get your shit back together. Stop taking the easy road where you ignore everything that’s important. You’re going to be working a lot in the next few weeks and it’s important you find your voice again.

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February 4th 2008:

I’m very much floating in an ocean right now. I can smell and feel the salt on my lips, I’m bobbing up and down and the previous shore is far enough away that I’m satisfied with my progress. Here I am trying to swim to the next island, away from the last one, but these waves keep breaking on me, pushing me not closer to this other island, but push me closer to the last one. I hurry and swim away before it’s too late, before the previous beach looks remotely apetizing. I’m not really worried about the waves that distract me from my goal, I’m not worried about getting blown back to the previous island, but I am worried that when I get to the next shore I’ll be too tired from all this swimming to make the most of it.

I got an e-mail at 2:21AM that I had to respond to immediately so now I’m up. This is the nature of how I work. My biological clock doesn’t usually get me up until at least 4AM so I thought I would kill a little awake time with my news reader.

Have you ever had those people you’re just drawn to? It’s like, despite everything, you can’t help but want to be around them? kRob is one of those people for me. Somebody I’ve known for almost 4 years now. We have the same birthday and despite living in separate states we’ve always managed to remain good friends.

Last week it was making a cup of coffee and virtually sending it to Kristi cause she sucks at making coffee. Last night was letting my friend come over to watch the Jazz game only to have him dump his dog on me so he could go see a Sundance movie. I could go on but I won’t.

So this doesn’t get long I’ll just say that it’s nice to get some words of affirmation for a change. Lately I have been giving so much of myself to my friends and have felt a little lost in doing so. It’s time for a bit more me time.