This domain will expire on the 29th and it’s time to move on from being a clear plastic cup. Just as I moved on from a universe away, this particular chapter of my life is coming to a close and I feel like I should document it.
Despite my best efforts, I’ve had a tendency to document all my relational endeavors over the last two years. I’ve documented them to exhaustion in a way where I don’t know whether it has helped, or if it has harmed. Oddly enough, the only one I haven’t documented thoroughly is Jen. Maybe it’s out of frustration, maybe it’s out of self loathing. I really don’t know. It seems that every time I sit down to talk about her my mind becomes blank and refuses to operate. I end up spending those moments talking about some current lust.
There was a moment in January where I couldn’t think about anything but what happened between her and Zack. It was all I could do going into 2010 and thinking about my least favorite moment of the decade. Rather than dwell on such a monumentally horrible moment I decided to compile a list of things I loved most about 2009. It made me feel better but it still hasn’t changed what I have viewed as betrayal. Even to this day, I still don’t know what to do about it. Zack has no recollection that he tried to kiss her, and I can’t shake the moment where she asked to hang out with him. Jen always said that you would have to say ten nice things to make up for one bad one. Even the tears that fell the next morning as she told me not to leave couldn’t make me feel better about it.
During a rare and vulnerable moment with one of my best friends I said we were, “cosmically screwed” for not being in love with each other. Maybe it’s not so much us, but more just me. I’ve gone on record before saying that I don’t think I’ll ever love someone like I loved Jen. Not a single experience in the past two years has made me think to rescind that statement. Really, that’s what this blog was originally about, to get over the love of my life. To move past the hardest decision of leaving her because I believed we both deserved more peace than we could offer each other. We still both deserve it, and I think she’s well on her way to becoming the person I knew she could be.
As for me, I still don’t know what I’m doing. One day leads to the next and I attempt to have goals but, more times than not, they seem like smoke and mirrors. Will I ever start a brewery? Will I ever finish my Android twitter client? Will I ever stop being in love with the idea of love? Will that light I have for Jen ever fade? Will I ever finish this album? It’s these questions that I will discover in life and not in the transparency of a clear plastic cup.
“I love you.” Three words that are the easiest and yet still the hardest to say. I guess it’s really true, context is everything. I’ve had an influx of past non-relationships get a hold of me lately. I don’t know why there is some insistence of reliving something that never really was.
Was I in love with you? Yes. I was. Did I ever tell you? No. You’re Mormon, married, and have a kid now. Do I still think about how I couldn’t ever say those words to you? I guess I do.
We learn our life lessons and we attempt to apply them to new experiences. We string these lessons together and weave a world that cradles our inadequacies and cherishes our triumphs. Have we learned? Are we merely creating a safety net for when we fail? Maybe.
Where do you say that you are avoiding the past too much versus dwelling on how much it affects your future? A fine line indeed. Just let me avoid this a little while longer, my net isn’t quite complete yet.
I should have asked you how your week has been. I’d get to hear you describe in detail and with an amount of color that you seldom hear from anyone else. I’d ask you about what you thought of the upcoming spring and how it almost seems to have already arrived. At some point I would ask you your thoughts on white pants for men. I could never say enough about your style, getting to hear your thoughts on men’s style would be enlightening. I’d probably wind up complaining about the curls that are forming in my hair. I’d fish for some sort of direction on where I should be going with it. Messy? Clean? Afro? I’d avoid talking about Saturday night unless you brought it up. I didn’t like being that drunk, and most definitely around you. You were such a pleasant surprise that night, and I felt like an idiot the next day. Even though I think I already know, I’d ask what your super bowl plans were. It would be fun to see you sharing your house with your friends and to see you excited about sports. Somewhere I promised I would make 7-layer dip. As I thought back to my super bowl party from last year, I remembered how much everyone loved my friend’s dip. Random, but true. I’d ask you what you did with your nephew throughout the day. It would make me smile to hear about you your tales of swords, guns and explosions. I’d tell you about Wednesday’s Jazz game, the one against Portland that I got to go to. We’d have passionate discussions about CJ Miles playing minutes and Memhet’s performance. I’d ask if you downloaded the rest of the Russian Red album and what you thought of the Cyndi Lauper cover song at the end. If you hadn’t heard it, I’d demand that I send it to you right away. At some point I’d probably let it slip that I’ve missed you, not because I’ve been too busy to tell you, but because you deserve to know.
I love my job. There are few things in my life that I love more than my job. I have a tremendous amount of freedom in the diversity of the work I do and I have a tremendous amount of freedom when I’m allowed to do it.
I got an e-mail at 2:21AM that I had to respond to immediately so now I’m up. This is the nature of how I work. My biological clock doesn’t usually get me up until at least 4AM so I thought I would kill a little awake time with my news reader.
Have you ever had those people you’re just drawn to? It’s like, despite everything, you can’t help but want to be around them? kRob is one of those people for me. Somebody I’ve known for almost 4 years now. We have the same birthday and despite living in separate states we’ve always managed to remain good friends.
Last week it was making a cup of coffee and virtually sending it to Kristi cause she sucks at making coffee. Last night was letting my friend come over to watch the Jazz game only to have him dump his dog on me so he could go see a Sundance movie. I could go on but I won’t.
So this doesn’t get long I’ll just say that it’s nice to get some words of affirmation for a change. Lately I have been giving so much of myself to my friends and have felt a little lost in doing so. It’s time for a bit more me time.
