sleeping pandas

I posted something in February that I kept private for whatever reason. Having mulled it over, I think it’s probably not a bad idea to publish now, since my stance hasn’t really changed all that much.

http://clearplasticcups.net/harder

physicists do it with models

Unsuspectingly, I went to a party I didn’t necessarily want to be at. I knew going in it was going to be a dressy party, but I didn’t know it was going to be at the salon of this guy named Andrew. Memories, difficult memories. I had a great time, but I am hoping it is the conclusion to a string of events that have happened over the last month that have made me think about you more and more.

What I should have asked myself all these times is, “How do you want this to end?” I never did. Instead I reached for whatever I could in the hopes to pacify the thoughts I was having. Tell me I’m an ass, make me feel like an idiot, anything so I can have some kind of conclusion. I’ve never been a person to do things when I’m drunk. Somehow I’ve been that person lately. I need to fix that.

It’s time to get things back on track. It means facing the realities of the thoughts I’ve had the last month. It means that just because it’s not one, it doesn’t mean it’s the other. Why have I always struggled with that? So fearful of the unknown.

I want to be with you. That’s the reality. The big problem is that I simply can’t be with you, we’ll never make it work. Maybe this is my boo hoo moment where I say I never get what I want. Fuck it, that’s life.

I’m officially giving up, I’m getting my shit back together and I’m moving on.