the last at last

This domain will expire on the 29th and it’s time to move on from being a clear plastic cup. Just as I moved on from a universe away, this particular chapter of my life is coming to a close and I feel like I should document it.

Despite my best efforts, I’ve had a tendency to document all my relational endeavors over the last two years. I’ve documented them to exhaustion in a way where I don’t know whether it has helped, or if it has harmed. Oddly enough, the only one I haven’t documented thoroughly is Jen. Maybe it’s out of frustration, maybe it’s out of self loathing. I really don’t know. It seems that every time I sit down to talk about her my mind becomes blank and refuses to operate. I end up spending those moments talking about some current lust.

There was a moment in January where I couldn’t think about anything but what happened between her and Zack. It was all I could do going into 2010 and thinking about my least favorite moment of the decade. Rather than dwell on such a monumentally horrible moment I decided to compile a list of things I loved most about 2009. It made me feel better but it still hasn’t changed what I have viewed as betrayal. Even to this day, I still don’t know what to do about it. Zack has no recollection that he tried to kiss her, and I can’t shake the moment where she asked to hang out with him. Jen always said that you would have to say ten nice things to make up for one bad one. Even the tears that fell the next morning as she told me not to leave couldn’t make me feel better about it.

During a rare and vulnerable moment with one of my best friends I said we were, “cosmically screwed” for not being in love with each other. Maybe it’s not so much us, but more just me. I’ve gone on record before saying that I don’t think I’ll ever love someone like I loved Jen. Not a single experience in the past two years has made me think to rescind that statement. Really, that’s what this blog was originally about, to get over the love of my life. To move past the hardest decision of leaving her because I believed we both deserved more peace than we could offer each other. We still both deserve it, and I think she’s well on her way to becoming the person I knew she could be.

As for me, I still don’t know what I’m doing. One day leads to the next and I attempt to have goals but, more times than not, they seem like smoke and mirrors. Will I ever start a brewery? Will I ever finish my Android twitter client? Will I ever stop being in love with the idea of love? Will that light I have for Jen ever fade? Will I ever finish this album? It’s these questions that I will discover in life and not in the transparency of a clear plastic cup.

patent patience

“I love you.” Three words that are the easiest and yet still the hardest to say. I guess it’s really true, context is everything. I’ve had an influx of past non-relationships get a hold of me lately. I don’t know why there is some insistence of reliving something that never really was.

Was I in love with you? Yes. I was. Did I ever tell you? No. You’re Mormon, married, and have a kid now. Do I still think about how I couldn’t ever say those words to you? I guess I do.

We learn our life lessons and we attempt to apply them to new experiences. We string these lessons together and weave a world that cradles our inadequacies and cherishes our triumphs. Have we learned? Are we merely creating a safety net for when we fail? Maybe.

Where do you say that you are avoiding the past too much versus dwelling on how much it affects your future? A fine line indeed. Just let me avoid this a little while longer, my net isn’t quite complete yet.

Diet Rite

Something tells me that ice cream, mountain dew, m&m’s, pretzels, fruit snacks, and a peanut butter granola bar is not going to cut it today.

Two of Twelve

It’s been hard to think about anything substantial lately. Somewhere I’ve lost my way in what was going to be a determined year for me. I touched on it a little bit a few weeks ago, but I’m discovering this flaw where I give too much of myself to people.

I’m here laying in bed with a complete lack of desire to see anyone. I think this is the cause and affect with my actions of late. Spending too much time with romance, family, and friends. Not spending enough time weighing my own goals. I walked into 2010 not wanting to date anyone, now I’m knee deep in some shit that I never really wanted to be a part of. I guess we can chalk this one up to a learning experience.

So, self, this is my letter to you. Get your shit back together. Stop taking the easy road where you ignore everything that’s important. You’re going to be working a lot in the next few weeks and it’s important you find your voice again.

You know, like those cups.

They must have been really disappointed when they got here…